One night, during a particular rough spell in my life, I lied in bed unable to sleep.

I just starred at the window, wondering of all the life that was being lived in that same moment; of the hearts that beat before mine and the ones which were still to give their first beat.

I sensed something was off and this deeply hurt me.

I had decided to leave my family behind and follow the “call of the soul”.

Yet, I felt tricked and let down by my very Spirit.

Where was the sense of belonging I had been promised while wondering the streets of my home town feeling like a stranger?

Where was the peace and “knowing” I was told awaits the “brave heart” who ventures down hidden paths?

I felt like I had sacrificed my roots for nothing.

Whatever I thought would be waiting for me across the ocean wasn’t there; or at least I had not been able to find it.

I must have fallen asleep cause suddenly the window wasn’t there anymore.

It all got very dark and very still.

A stillness I had never encountered before but which was to become a constant from then on.

The Lady came and spoke

Child – Woman your search is endless, your journey arduous.

You wonder around the world, but you are Lost.

You think you know what your soul needs, yet you can never find it.

Many times you’ve been called.

Many times you pretended you didn’t hear.

Yet I’m here again.

And again I’m calling your name.

Will you come child – woman?

Will you come and see the gift awaiting you?

That which you yearn for was lost in the eons of time but it can never be found where you are searching.

Your gift never belonged to the world and you must return it to the silence and grace it came from.

Now go and start looking where you’ve never been before”

The Lady came and spoke.

And this time the Child- Woman listened because she knew her soul was dying.

I woke up knowing that I had been so eager to get to the end of my journey, that I had lost myself long the way.

In leaving my old life behind, I had actually left myself too!

The death of the soul is never caused by what the World won’t give us or acknowledge. It’s when we walk away from ourselves that our soul starts dying a little.

Many times we will abandon ourselves and many deaths we will endure.

Some people are just dead their whole life.

They remain trapped by a world that is built on noise when they come from silence.

They are forever prisoners within the thin web all their fears slowly weaved around their hearts.

One will know when their soul is dying.

They will be afraid of silence and emptiness.

They will barter their dignity for another “bravo”, another achievement, a new love.

Their soul will die of heartbreak for never returning Home.

Many years on I’m still walking the “hidden path”, but I’m no longer in a rush to get to end.

I have gone back to my roots and I see now how they could never be left behind.

Antonia Lyons

 

 

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